All parents know the feeling, you've asked your child to put their shoes on, clean up their toys, or do their homework, and they're just not listening. But instead of getting frustrated with your little one, there are a few tried and tested tips on how to navigate your child when they refuse to listen. We spoke with one of the experts, award winning parenting coach Melissa Schulz, MS, BCBA, and founder of Confidently Mommin' on what could really be going on.
Common Mistakes Parents Make When Children Aren't Listening
According to Schulz, "the biggest mistake parents make when their child isn't listening is they keep repeating themselves. They get louder and more frustrated but continue to repeat." Yet if the child didn't listen the first time, repeating yourself typically won't change anything.
Instead, Schulz suggests getting curious about why your kid isn't listening. For example, are there common instructions they never listen to, does your child have the skills to do the task independently, or is there motivation for them to complete the task? Look for the patterns.
"Once you understand why your child isn't listening, you can change the way you give the instruction by teaching or supporting a new skill, adding motivation, and having a clear consequence when they child doesn't listen, all without repeating yourself or yelling," says Schulz.
Keep Your Cool
When your child isn't listening, one of the best things to do is keep your cool. As Schulz says, "your calm is contagious!" Taking a few moments to breathe and ground yourself can make a big difference in how you react.
Schulz also adds that it's important to reflect on how you felt during the meltdown. She notes, "What thoughts were you having? Why did the behavior trigger such big emotions in you? How can we bring more compassion and curiosity to the child's behavior and to your reaction so that it no longer creates such a big emotional reaction for you?"
Guiding Your Children Moving Forward
There are a few tips that Schulz suggests to teach children without relying on punishment. Firstly she recommends, "notice all the times your child is doing the right thing!" She points out that our brains are wired to recognize what's wrong, and subsequently when kids don't listen. This leads to punishment if more effective parenting tools aren't in our tool belt.
According to Schulz, "a powerful switch that teaches children appropriate behavior while improving your relationship and connection with them is to notice all the times they do listen the first time, when they are kind to their sibling, etc. and give them praise and attention for it."
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